How can conflict be good

I disagreed with the direction she was taking our project, the people she chose to involve, and the pace at which she thought we should do our work why did she need to go so slow? Instead, I forwarded every email she sent me to one of my colleagues and complained about how Marguerite was making bad decisions and not heeding my vague, and likely passive-aggressive, suggestions that we try different approaches.

One day, instead of forwarding the email, I hit reply. I thought I was complaining to my coworker but I was actually sending Marguerite a direct email about what a pain I felt she was. My boss suggested I stop at the florist on my way. To her credit, she told me it happens and that she preferred that the next time I disagree with her, I just tell her so that we could talk about it.

It was generous and helpful advice. To be fair, agreeing is usually easier than confronting someone, at least in the short run. By thinking that way, I lost out on a potentially productive working relationship. In fact, disagreements — when managed well — have lots of positive outcomes.

Here are a few. Better work outcomes. Opportunities to learn and grow. By listening and incorporating feedback, you gain experience, try new things, and evolve as a manager. Improved relationships. My year-old daughter knows this intuitively. We fought the whole time.

Higher job satisfaction. Instead of feeling as if you have to walk on eggshells, you can focus on getting your work done. A more inclusive work environment. If your early life experiences left you feeling powerless or out of control, conflict may even be traumatizing for you. Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases your understanding of the other person, builds trust, and strengthens your relationships.

For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he slurps his soup—rather than what is really bothering them. Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face. Foot on the gas. An angry or agitated stress response. Foot on the brake.

A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion. Foot on both gas and brake. A tense and frozen stress response. Stress may pose a problem in your life if you identify with the following:. One of the most reliable ways to rapidly reduce stress is by engaging one or more of your senses—sight, sound, taste, smell, touch—or through movement.

You could squeeze a stress ball, smell a relaxing scent, taste a soothing cup of tea, or look at a treasured photograph. We all tend to respond differently to sensory input, often depending on how we respond to stress, so take some time to find things that are soothing to you. Read: Quick Stress Relief. Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others.

Although knowing your own feelings may sound simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. Your ability to handle conflict, however, depends on being connected to these feelings. Emotional awareness—the consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience—and the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately, is the basis of a communication process that can resolve conflict. The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness.

Answer the following questions with: almost never, occasionally, often, very often, or almost always. There are no right or wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses. In either case, you may need help developing your emotional awareness. When people are in the middle of a conflict, the words they use rarely convey the issues at the heart of the problem.

This will allow you to respond in a way that builds trust, and gets to the root of the problem. Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless clues that reveal what others are feeling. Think about what you are transmitting to others during conflict, and if what you say matches your body language.

You can ensure that the process of managing and resolving conflict is as positive as possible by sticking to the following guidelines:. Listen for what is felt as well as said.

When you really listen, you connect more deeply to your own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Be respectful of the other person and their viewpoint. The same person whom we enjoyed working with yesterday now seems like an adversary. Even though we know the feelings of resentment, anger, dislike, even hostility that we experience as a result of losing, the win-lose posture is deeply ingrained and when we get in positions where we have power over people, we often choose to win at their expense.

A great deal of research shows the damaging effects that win-lose conflict resolution has on interpersonal relationships. It creates distance, separation, dislike, even hatred. How conflicts get resolved is the critical factor in any relationship.

In fact, it is the most critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.

As most of us are aware, there is an alternative to the win-lose posture. Resolving conflicts this way requires three important attitudes and behaviors: 1 the attitude that conflict in general presents the opportunity for constructive change; 2 the willingness to engage in the process of mutually searching for a solution that meets the needs of both people; 3 the communication and problem solving skills that it takes to make this win-win method work.

Too often, people want to resolve conflicts this way, but either are not truly willing in their heart of hearts to work for a mutually-acceptable solution or do not have the skills required to work together to find one. When this occurs, the win-win method is doomed to failure. The communication between you might change, perhaps becoming superficial or terse.

Acknowledge that a conflict exists. Very often, we decide not to acknowledge this hoping that the conflict will somehow go away or resolve itself.